Fast, Day 1

Today was cold and grey and somber. I slept as long as I possibly could, and woke up very late. I think the only thing I did today was take a long, occasionally rain-peppered walk in the direction of Yokohama. I had some thinking to do.

For the past three years, my automatic reaction whenever I was troubled had been to call Maya up, or write or text her. Whenever I thought of something fun or interesting to do, I'd invite her along. If I found something beautiful or fun, my first thought would always be to share it with her.

Am I really doing the right thing?

And as much as I try not to, I think of all the times I annoyed or hurt her. Could I have acted differently? Should I have acted differently?

Am I only now truly realizing how important she was to me, or did I feel it in my bones all along? Was I too critical of her? Was I insensitive, or was I just being myself? Am I insensitive and cruel by nature? Am I the good person I always thought I was? There were times when she came to me for comfort and I looked down on her for being weak. There were times when I was cold, when I couldn't devote the time or energy to make her happy, when I tried to comfort her but eventually became frustrated and deepened the problem. Was I too selfish? Would she still love me now, if I had only treated her with greater tenderness and tact?

In a way, these ruminations are painfully useless, but hopefully I'll come to some worthwhile conclusions.

I have decided to fast for five days. Today was the first. Hopefully I'll be able to straighten some things out before I arrive in Hong Kong on the night of the fifth day.